Every one is late in rising the next morning, a consequence of burning the candles low last night. As late as it was, you had a hard time falling asleep. Your mind was unable to take in what what you saw, and heard, and felt. You believed, you couldn’t not believe now, only there was so much which remained to be said, so much you wanted to learn, and so little had been answered.
The shock of seeing Jesus alive, back from the tomb, as real, more real, than anyone else, wore off, leaving you with questions of what was next. Again, he commanded your heart. Before you were willing to listen and follow, act in his behalf, and live for him, now… you were willing to die for him, to give up everything else to join with what he was about to do. Nothing, absolutely nothing could match the sense of purpose which you feel in serving him.
You do feel a little bad it took touching him. Your doubts crept in and extinguished the earlier fire, but no more. He is alive, and you know it, and your faith, this new faith filled with absolute assurance, not just hopeful yearnings, has changed you, transformed you. Only you don’t know how, and don’t know how to respond. You await the words of your master, the master who gives freedom.
It is the sound of others busy with activity which finally stirs you enough to get up. Even from inside the house you hear the strong mountain wind blowing and the chorus of birds who sing late morning songs of joy.
“We’re going to Galilee,” Matthew says when you walk in. You must have a questioning look on your face.
It’s understandable. There are supplies and bags strewn about, being organized, being packed away. Some of them are going home to Galilee, for others this is a trip away from home, with all the assorted bustling which such plans entail.
“James asked the Teacher before he left last night,” Matthew continued, likely due to the questioning look on your face remaining. “He asked him, ‘What is going to happen now?’”
You have the same question, James seems to be a man who was forthright with action. You are glad he is like that.
Still wondering, you ask, “What did he say?”
Matthew replies, “He said we’re to go to Galilee, to meet him on the mountain."
“Which mountain?”
“I don’t know. James and John seem to know, so I am following them. That’s their home, not mine. We all have our trials.” He laughs at his little insult, and goes to settle some affairs in town.
“Can I come?” you ask James when he has a free moment.
“Well, the disciples are coming, and some of the women are as well. I’m sure it would be fine. The Teacher said to meet him, he didn’t say who could come. Whoever is willing, I suppose. You are most welcome to join us, though it’s not a short trip we’re taking.”
Galilee is several days away at the quickest, and it is likely the group is not going to run all the way.
You think about it for a moment, considering your responsibilities at home, considering those who are waiting for you, thinking you were going to be home yesterday. Well, you were home, just not for long.
It occurs to you this is not just a decision to travel north for a few days. You are deciding your life right now, whether what you feel in your heart and soul will be acted on in reality. There’s no doubt you feel willing to give up your life to serve the Messiah. Now, the question comes whether you will actually follow through on it.
Will you give up everything to follow him and find what it is he wants? You’re not sure why this decision has this amount of weight, but it does and you know you are choosing which path to take, go home or go north, go back to your life or take hold of a new life.
“I want to go,” you say to James.
“Excellent! We are leaving after we eat lunch. That should give us a good seven hours of traveling today.”
After a fine lunch you walk out of the gates with the group of twenty who are going to Galilee. The memory of the crucifixion, only a little more than a week ago, comes to mind. You were so alone then, so lost, so without peace. Now, Jesus is alive, and more than that, you are with people who are as passionate as you, who come from all different classes, but are united through a desire to follow Jesus.
You were worried you didn’t have money or supplies to take the trip. Matthew pulled you aside and let you know not to worry about such things.
“We are a family,” he said, “money is not an issue. You can help in other ways.”
A tax collector said that. Truly God does do miracles.
Three days later you arrive in Nazareth, which is not much of a town. This is where the Messiah grew up?
The trip was wonderful. You got to know your fellow disciples, those who are willing to give up everything to follow Jesus wherever he leads. They are wonderful, and for the first time in your whole life you feel at home, feel complete peace and safety with a group of others. There is no competition, no jockeying for position.
You stay the night in Jesus’ home. Mary, his mother, is there and is a wonderful hostess. She is excited to see everyone, even though it had only been a few days, and to hear the new stories of her son.
During the evening conversation some of the people betray remaining doubts.
“Well, he’s real,” one of them says, “but we really don’t know what he is.”
“He’s alive, but he’s not like us,” says another.
“Like an angel,” Mary whispers. Everyone looks her way.
“Tell us about the Angel, mother,” says John.
She tells of her experience decades before, and everyone begins to discuss whether it was Jesus or an angel.
Doubts even creep into your mind, again. He isn’t like a normal person, that’s for sure. Maybe he is not even the Messiah, but another prophet who is speaking like Samuel from beyond the grave. You don’t doubt you saw Jesus, touched him, talked with him. But his mission, his purpose, your purpose, those things you begin to doubt.
You fall asleep with these thoughts still in your head, wondering now if it was worthwhile to leave your home. It’s exciting that Jesus is alive, that is certain, only you don’t know why he is alive, what part you have to play in any of this. Maybe this is not even what he wants. Maybe he has a message for only the Eleven to hear. Your mind and heart are filled with these doubts, which becomes a weight bearing down on you. He is alive, but what does that mean? Is he or is he not the Messiah, the one who will restore the kingdom?
The next morning the group follows James and John to the top of a nearby mountain. The long walk up is wearying after the last few days of traveling, but the hope to hear something, see something which will ease your soul is more than enough to spur you on.
At the top, there are a few scattered trees. Boulders are gathered in weather worn piles. Birds fly about, singing. But no Jesus. You wait. Everyone waits. What conversation happens is forced, nervous chatter by those unwilling to face their own thoughts that this time Jesus will not come.
“Peace be with you,” Jesus says behind you. You turn and look, others fall to their knees.
Seeing him, seeing him again washes away all your concerns. Something in his eyes, something in his presence which causes your heart to burst in excitement and joy forces you to fall to your knees and worship him, not knowing why, only knowing it is the right thing to do, and a joy.
You lift your head and look at him, he stares back at you, into you, filling you with peace and cleansing. Physically he is not that much different than before, only he seems more real, more alive, something you can’t grasp with your mind. Is he an angel? Is he a messenger from heaven, rather than a real man? Some of the Greeks say that the body is a hindrance, that the really spiritual man has no need for a body, it is only a shell. You don’t know what to believe, even with Jesus standing before you, even with all your being bursting with joy, your heart excited beyond measure, your thoughts still intervene, and you doubt, you wonder who this is, what this is.
He continues to stand for a moment longer, then speaks, his words carrying power, authority, confidence.
“I have been given complete authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
After saying this he turns and walks away. This is what you are called to do? What does he mean he is with you always? He’s gone now. Again. You feel the joy inside, and the doubts remaining, growing, despite what your own soul is telling you. You believe and don’t believe all at the same time; know what to do, yet lost on how to proceed. The doubts cause confusion.
You worshipped him and doubted in the same moment. These are two paths you have to choose, for you cannot bear being pulled in the opposite directions for much longer. He is alive, and you can choose still to follow or to doubt. Only you don’t know which to choose. He has given a mission, a mission to last your whole life, but you don’t feel able to live up to this, or even sure of Jesus. You thought you chose by coming here. You didn't, not really, that was only the first step. The choice to follow still remains. You realize you chose to listen, but have not yet chosen to follow. The faces of some of the others tell you that you are not alone.
Some, however, stand and begin walking down the mountain, their strides full of confidence, full of hope. You follow, unsure and cautious, denying that part of you which wants this all to be true and mean something. You are not sure you can embrace this reality, or if you want to. If you could see the results, if you could know what it was you were doing... why you were doing it all, you might be able to overcome the doubts. Jesus is alive, but what does this mean?
The questions remain with you all day, and into the night.
his eyes. His unchanging plan has always
been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus
Christ. And this gave him great pleasure. My Dear Jesus, you have called me to be your own, and you have called me to tell others of you. May I feel the confidence of your life, may I feel the hope of your resurrection, the power of your Spirit, the joy of your presence. You are with me always, from the beginning to the end. I pray I will see you, know you, and bring others to see your reality. Teach me how to teach, give me the words to say and give me strength so I may honor you with all my life. I praise you and thank you for your bounty in all things. You truly do bring good news to my life, and to all the world.