Reflections on my Spiritual Retreat

            Spiritual retreats have for a long time been an essential part of my spiritual life.  While in college I realized that I naturally desired time away from other people at times, and as circumstances would have it extended weekends provided me with experiences of solitude and spiritual refreshment.   Upon graduating I have at times realized that it was essential for me to go off into the hills, or other secluded spot, and wrestle with God, myself, and with what was going on in my life.  In fact, my decision to attend Fuller resulted from a time of prayer and seeking after direction during a silent retreat in January of 1999.  Although, I do not seem to get away as much as I would like, I have found these times to be of tremendous boon to my spiritual life, and actually essential to my relationship with God at times.  These times, however, have never been what one would call a formal retreat, in that I have never gone to a formal retreat center, or followed a formal silent retreat format.  Rather my times have tended to be of my own creation, and somewhat flexible and loose in how I spend them.  Unfortunately, I could not attend the formal retreat offered in this class, so in the interest of the assignment, and my own growing feeling that I needed this, I once again took to the hills.

          One of my favorite spots to go for quiet time and solitude is Mt. Baldy.  The variety of trails, the smells, the sights, the close remoteness, offer a convenient quiet place for my mediation.  In the past I have spent entire days hiking the trails, exploring new vistas and wandering around gazing at the beauty of creation.  This time, however, I intentionally decided this was not going to be a hiking day, but one in which I am quiet, and calm, and focused more specifically on prayer.  Having hiked around before, I knew of a quiet ravine where I could put up my hammock and spend the day in contemplation.  I had brought my Bible, my journal, some food, and a fair amount of water.  After staking out my spot, I began by reading the Psalms, hoping in doing such to focus my mind, to wash away some of the accumulated thoughts and concerns which had built up, and to center myself before God.  Then I just sat.   I was given an impression that this was not a day for me to talk but for me to listen.  So I sat and tried to listen.

          The main thought in my retreat was my feeling of spiritual dryness, an inability to spark a spiritual fire in my heart, and a lack of engagement with those in the church.  I felt as though my efforts to do such were to no avail, and that I needed some insight from God, and some direction in order to restore my morale and keep me in the struggle.  I was spiritually and emotionally weary, and I needed a word from my King.  So, as I sat, I pondered, and prayed, and continued to listen.  My thoughts would occasionally drift to some animal, or some plant, or some blowing of a breeze through the tall pines under which I had placed myself.   I have found that within nature is where I worship the most, where my heart is most inspired, and my soul yearns for God the greatest.  Although, I did not have a formal pattern to follow this sitting around was not wearisome, but refreshing and restoring.  There was not a specific question I had, so I did not expect to receive a specific answer, I simply was enjoying sitting quietly in the presence of my God.   As I sat, certain concerns and misunderstandings came to my mind which I presented to God.  I do not understand what he is currently doing in my life, and have no idea where he is leading me, so I needed the encouragement that only he can bring.  And he did bring encouragement and refreshing.  Although, I received no specific directions, I felt peace and calm and the ability to carry on in strength, renewed to continue the struggle.  When the day had ended, I wandered down to the waterfall, and wrote a prayer expressing his work in my life.  I was refreshed, renewed, and restored, better able to focus and accomplish the work that God has given me for the present.  It was, as I had expected, once again a needed time, and an activity which will certainly stay a crucial part of my Spiritual life.

Prayer Upon Viewing a Waterfall

Lord of my heart,

A waterfall of your life pours down

over rocky soil, over boulders

taller than I, through the soil,

pouring, ever pouring in,

through and under,

seeking the open spaces,

widening the cracks,

until your living water pours unimpeded,

forcefully and constantly

into the pool of my soul

refreshing, renewing, reinvigorating

a parched and weary land.