FE502 Internship Personal Reflection

A.  Growth Areas

            This internship has come at the very end of the process of seminary training.  Throughout the years I have grown fairly confident in some areas of ministry, and quite aware of my weaknesses in pursuing vocational ministry.  The greatest areas of growth which I see primarily relate to my natural introverted tendencies.  Though I feel  I can effectively lead a group of people,  I must continue to develop skills which go beyond simply leading and which entail effectively reaching out and being involved in lives in a deeper way.  This is not as natural for me as for many others, so I realize part of my development will be both to grow in this, but also to realize for my ministry future, to balance out my strengths and weaknesses with others who can more naturally bring insight and strength to this area. 

            With this is my tendency to want to move forward without being patient in adequately explaining the process or motivation of the move.  This is a leadership quality which will make or break my ability to actually bring change or direction to a group of people, rather than simply having the right idea or concept about what change is needed.   I find myself assuming much of the training and knowledge, and must become more patient in teaching and training others, so rather than forcing movement, I can get people to move naturally themselves. 

            In many ways these aspects will affect my ultimate conclusions of full time vocational ministry.  I have for many years been divided between pursuing further academics with a PhD or pursuing full time ministry.  I love the academics yet I feel strongly of a greater need for change within churches.  This is added to a comment Peter Stuhlmacher made when he visited Fuller.  He stated, “the renewal of the church will not come from academia.”  So, being my passion is for the church, not simply knowledge, I must learn to grow in those areas which may not be my strengths so that I can lend my strengths to the setting.  I do realize this means I should not expect to fit into in general pastoral position. It is likely I would do well in such a position, but I think it might be too exhausting if I do not work with a team of people, or if it does not allow me to focus on my strong areas. 

            As far as leadership development goes, I have always found myself operating in some kind of position of leadership.  I just tend to drift there.  But again I need to become better at actually being patient about teaching and training, being consistent and letting my strength come from the Spirit not from all the possible reactions.  I need to continue to learn how to consistently lead in a way which brings change, not simply in a way which exhorts.  This includes becoming more skilled at recruiting those who could add needed skills to the ministry setting. While I feel  I was able to start a quality ministry, with a small but faithful group developing, I feel some key roles have been left unfilled, and I must continue to learn how to fill those roles. 

            In the area of self-care, I feel I have vastly improved from previous experiences.  I have more confidence in who God has made me to be, and more awareness of the spiritual battles and struggles which I am susceptible to fighting.  I also have been stronger in pursuing a ‘sabbath’ and been willing to hand off or put aside duties for the sake of regular refreshment.  This has meant both spiritual disciplines and physical activities which reset my spiritual life.  I will need to continue to grow in having a healthy separation between my own spiritual involvement in a church community and my role as a leader in that community.  I have let my participation in leadership affect too much my own ability to find rest in the community.  Knowing too much about a church or about Church can easily become so discouraging as to cause discontent or disengagement, which is a struggle I must continue to fight.

B.  Staff Relationships

            This area has been a bright point of this present internship.  I was given the opportunity to attend the week long staff retreat, which was primarily a time of bonding for the staff.  I felt enormously welcome and valued.  The staff here is a great group of people whose different gifts and personalities create a diverse yet united atmosphere.  Much of the politics typical in such a setting seem to be absent, with the goal of moving this church forward really bringing a profound unity in the Spirit.  I felt able to be honest and open with my thoughts and suggestions, along with a trust that I would be challenged or affirmed honestly by others.  I could not imagine working with a group of people who I find so much affinity with, and who I have a great deal of respect for. 

            With this, however, is the idea that because of past situations at this church, and recent changes, and still present points of transition there is still a great deal of searching among the staff of who they are and what this church is about.  I cannot say that I have had the opportunity of working under those who have found a solid method of ministry, but  I can say I have had the opportunity to work with those who exemplify the quest for such.  Because of recent conflicts with past staff and leaders I have learned not just with words but with clear actions what it means to persevere through disagreement, how to stay faithful to the call of Christ and yet still maintain the bond of unity with all.  The lesson of the commitments and the principles finding a healthy balance will be one which I continue to learn, and one which this staff has taught me much. 

            With my own call to ministry, I again find myself leaving unclear.  I feel that I was greatly affirmed in my role here, and I fit in well with my contributions, but the fact remains that practically I may not find a vocational position which allows for my unique blend of gifting.  I have learned a great deal from the staff here, and I feel completely able and confirmed in my call to minister.

C.  Ministry Relationships

            Some of my own convictions coming into this ministry were that the Church (broadly meant, not just NewSong) consistently undervalues the work of the Spirit in the lives of the broader community.  This hierarchical structure then perpetuates itself, as people begin to doubt their own understanding and contributions, atrophying in the process, and thus increasing the burden on the staff and lessening the ability of the church to effectively minister.  So in creating a ministry I sought to be both a teacher and to allow others into the process of contribution.  I was not disappointed.  I was confirmed in the idea that while I have a great deal of training, and indeed some specialization in the area, I am not the only one through whom the Spirit wishes to work or to speak. Rather then my role being one who creates and forms a ministry, my role is to facilitate a context in which what the Spirit is already doing in people can thrive.  This does involve patience and exploration but I was continually reminded how much wisdom and insight can come from unexpected sources.  The relationships I formed through this time have spurred me to greater yearning for my own spiritual growth and have spurred me to a greater consideration of my calling into ministry.  I feel as if because my own spiritual life is not simply my own, but can indeed influence and help shape others, it is vital that I maintain health and growth in this area.  Having the community life, I find, pushes aside some of my natural spiritual laziness. 

These relationships have also created some conflict at this moment.  As this internship ends, the need for the ministry does not, so I must wrestle with what that means for my own continued involvement.  When I hear strong words of encouragement and commitment from those who are a part of the ministry, I find myself more willing to fight and more willing to consider how I can possibly continue on in the role which I forged.  More than simply my understanding a conceptual need for the various tasks which I was appointed to in this internship, the relationships have created now for me an impetus to really pursue and fight for this church to effectively be a community for those who are simply looking for a place to be who they are called to be.   This end of the internship does not end this pursuit, a fact which is solely related to the relationships which have developed and the insights I have gleaned from those I have worked with. 

D.  Theological Reflection

            I had two aspects to this internship.  One was to begin a ministry directed towards those in their 20s and 30s.  The other was to redesign the membership class curriculum.  One was more “ministry”, one was more, at this point, “academic”, but both allowed me to begin to play around with much of the theological insights which have developed throughout my time at seminary. Most central in both my academic pursuits and my pursuits in this internship concern the work of the Holy Spirit in the life of the church.  This in not simply a realization of the Pentecostal movement (which I grew up in, in part,), but rather a realization that 1) the historic church has not had much to say about the Holy Spirit 2) what the church has had to say may not be an adequate reflection on what is revealed in the Scriptures.   Coming into this internship, I had the opportunity to pursue deep theological studies on various aspects of the person and work of the Spirit, and brought these studies to figure out how the academic could and should relate to the practical.  To be honest I am still figuring this out and realize it will certainly take longer than 10 weeks to develop adequately either the academic or ministry aspects to the question of how the Holy Spirit has, does, should work in the Church. 

            My goal initially was to integrate some of my developed concepts into the structure of the young adult ministry.  However, I found disappointment in some earlier attempts with the realization that in order to facilitate a context for broader participation, first a context must be developed, supported, and trusted.  While I have begun the development process, the aspects of support and trust are still needing to be settled. Thus I have had a larger burden of leadership and contribution than I would ideally like to see, but this is to create the rhythm, so I see the need.

            The second aspect is more academic but allowed me to really throw the theology into the ministry mix.  In redesigning the membership class, I also was given the opportunity to write descriptions of the ‘gifts’ of the Spirit as the church understands them (which entailed some theological debate on my part), as well as a ‘survey’ which could help identify for new members their part in the body.  In doing this I had to wrestle with the various issues of practical ministry along with my studies of the historical and theological revelations of the Spirit and put together a resource which would best identify, explain, and begin to utilize the different areas which each person can contribute to the life of the church.  Again this is a longer process, but one in which I have had a successful beginning.  Other aspects of theology also came up which I was given the opportunity to write out, argue, and develop – including writing a formal statement of belief pertaining to the understanding of baptism and the Lord’s Supper at NewSong.  This was a great deal of trust given to an intern, and one which used in a wonderful way the theological training I have had these last few years.

E:  Future Ministry

    This internship in many ways confirmed the fact that I could do well in a role of vocational ministry.  It also confirmed though that  I cannot do well in just any role, which may limit my actually finding a vocational position.  I was greatly affirmed in many aspects of this role, and finish feeling  I fulfilled that which I was asked to do.  My temperament is not common in a vocational minister (something the various personality tests we took in intro to ministry class clearly pointed out), but that does not mean I do not have something great to offer.  Indeed because my temperament is not common, there is the strong possibility that what I have to offer is needed.  Academia right now is overflowing with those seeking PhDs and positions.  The church though is in desperate need of those who both value academic pursuit and value practical ministry.  I very much do value both in a way which causes discontent when I pursue one in the absence of the other.

            This internship showed that if the right position opened up I could thrive in it.  I feel I found a strong balance in my life throughout this time, and I indeed, upon reflection now, feel an increased calling to pursue this field, and less of a calling to pursue pure academia.  But I do not know what that means.  I am left knowing that much of what I want to do in ministry requires building a theological foundation which I am not sure currently exists. The present church is operated with conscious or unconscious beliefs which may not adequately move the church to a place of strength.  We are declining, but they do not really know what to do about it.  So I am pressed both to be intensely practical and intensely academic, with each informing what I do in the other.  I honestly do not know what this means for myself practically right now, and as I finish seminary with this internship, and begin the process of job searching (which has begun with a yet decided proposal to continue here at NewSong full time in order to address the current trends), I realize I am wholly dependent on the Spirit to open some doors and point in specific directions.  But I feel confident God will work, and I feel more confidence through this internship that I have in fact been called to ministry.  Whether it is vocational depends on if I can find someone to pay me for this great passion of mine.