A Time of Solitude
To be very honest, this was more difficult than I had thought it would be. This is not because I have any reservations, or reticence, about spending time alone with God. Really, this has become a regular part of my Christian life, having taken times of extended retreats and solitude for spiritual reasons even before I knew that this was a spiritual exercise. It is because of my own practice of solitude and retreat that I was very surprised that I had a hard time sitting down, or getting away, for what at first seemed a measly three hours. So, that itself became my conversation during my time. Why now was it difficult and burdensome, when at other times I have sought these times on my own for longer stretches? I realize that I am tired. Not just physically tired, but I am wondering if someone can become spiritually tired as well. It is not that I am falling back or away, but rather I just plain feel spiritually worn out by my journey.
As I reflect on this I think is this not what times of solitude seeks to address, so why should it be difficult to rest in a time set for refreshing. There must be something deeper going on, so I continue to reflect. Excitingly, the previous day I got a new tool for my quiet times, Celtic Worship Through the Year, in which daily liturgies and Scriptures are given for individual or group use. So, for the first time I went through this book, adding some form to what has been a rather haphazard approach to daily devotions. There is a reverence and a way of approaching God which is joyful and honest, which I appreciate so much. I found that after reading my five daily Psalms, going through this liturgy and the lectionary texts, an hour went by without a thought. This is why form and structure are so important. In times of weariness they give a framework, a series of steps which to progress and point one farther along the journey despite one’s own lack of dedication. So, I look forward to continuing with this format.
The biggest difference for me in this and other times of solitude is the urging it seems to bring in just sitting in silence, not reading, nor even praying with words, but allowing the sounds of creation to bring focus and joy to my own cluttered thoughts. I find myself spending time just staring into nothingness, or having my attention grabbed by the antics of a jay or a crow, or any of the other myriad of creatures which abound about us without our noticing. And in this, my thoughts seem to drift back always to God, reflecting on some aspect of Him which is being pointed out by my surroundings. Sometimes I write a poem, or prose, about what I see and feel, but this time I was enjoying just reflecting, maybe delighting in the fact that I did not have to write, tired indeed of all the writing I have done last quarter and now into the summer. It was freeing to just sit before God, not necessarily hearing any profound words or guidance, but like a good friend simply sitting silently with one another.
Yet indeed God is more than simply a good friend. He is in fact God. So, I wrestle with that thought for a while. And my thoughts develop and flow from there. I realize that these times of solitude are so vital because they allow me to just let my thoughts go, bouncing around, exploring what is out there, not being constrained by time or much order, but rather because of the openness of the time actually encouraged to wander somewhat, and to hopefully find a scenic route back to why I take this time in the first place. It is in these times of solitude that I find who I am before God, and what my relationship with him consists of. There is no one to lean on, no one to mediate or guide, it is simply he and I growing closer in a way which may approach, but will never be exactly like anyone else’s journey. So, while this time seemed more difficult, more the discipline this time than the spiritual part of spiritual disciplines, I found that my heart was fed, my mind was touched, and my soul was comforted. This was not a long time, but it was a time spent with God, and because of which I am that much farther along in my journey towards Christ.
